Today we interview George Crumbum, who, at 107, claims to be the oldest man in the developed world.
Old Leftist Curmudgeon: Mr. Crumbum, to what do you attribute your long life?
George Crumbum: Eating pepper.
OLC: Eating pepper?
GC: Yeah. I swallow two tablespoons of ground pepper every day. Sometimes I just chew on whole peppercorns. They're crunchy, and it's a bit of variety.
OLC: And you just swallow the pepper? Isn't that a bit difficult?
GC: Nah. I wash it down with beer.
OLC: Beer?
GC: Yeah, but not just any beer. It's gotta be lite beer. None of that yuppie microbrew crap, or dark beer, or anything like that.
OLC: So you like lite beer.
GC: Yeah. If your beer don't taste like piss, it don't do you no good. Trust me. My age is proof of that.
OLC: Any other tips for readers who'd like to live as long as you, Mr. Crumbum?
GC: Yeah, get plenty of sex. And cuss out your children or your neighbors or anyone else who's handy. Ya gotta do some cussin' every day.
OLC: Well, I'm sure that letting it out is good advice. But do you really have a lot of sex at your age, Mr. Crumbum?
GC: Well, I think I do. I admit, it's been getting hard to tell what I been dreamin' from what's actually happened.
OLC: Mr. Crumbum, thank you for a most interesting interview. And may you live for another 107 years.
GC: [Evil chuckle]
Copyright © 2010 by Richard Stein
Showing posts with label old age. Show all posts
Showing posts with label old age. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
A Bit about Getting Older
No, I don't—for those of you with a classical background—aspire to rival Cicero; I haven't even read his De Senectute (On Old Age). So don't accuse me of hubris, or of being a copycat.
Just a few little observations of my own, from experience. I won't go into the usual "Yeah, you get aches and pains, lots of medical conditions," etc., etc. All that may be true, for many of us (I've got my share although I've been spared some of the biggies).
For one thing, your perspective on things is much different from that of a younger person. Young people may talk about doing something "some day." "Sure, I'd like to visit Paris some day." By the time you get to my age, you have probably awakened to the fact that you've got to stop saying "some day," because you no longer have all the time in the world ahead of you. You realize that if you put something off, you may well never get to do it. You may pass away before you do; or at some point your health no longer permits you to do it.
And, of course, it may start to be difficult to remain "hip." (Does anyone still use that word?) Slang is largely the property of the young, and it changes rapidly; so for us old folks, if we try to be hip and with it, it's likely to be a laughable attempt: our hip and with-it slang may be 20 or 30 years out of date! On the other hand, I may deliberately use words I know are pretty old-fashioned, that no one has heard for years. I know lots of words (and names) derived from a culture or a world that's bygone and thus unknown to younger folks.
There are some good sides to being old and/or retired. It's true that at some point in our lives we become more comfortable with ourselves, with living in our own skins. We gain a certain self-acceptance.
And of course there's the freedom of being retired. I say that, aside from paying my taxes and my bills—and feeding myself—there are damned few things I have to do. I can spend my days as I like, planned or unplanned. I can get up when I want, go to bed when I want, eat when I want (the latter a pleasant change from some work environments I unfortunately had to accommodate myself to, where overly-controlling bosses dictated meal times, break times, etc.). Today, for example, I came home from shopping and looked at the clock. It was 11:36. Now, a tough decision: Do I have "elevenses," or an early lunch? I chose the latter. Dug into the rewards of my shopping trip.
Copyright © 2009 by Richard Stein
Just a few little observations of my own, from experience. I won't go into the usual "Yeah, you get aches and pains, lots of medical conditions," etc., etc. All that may be true, for many of us (I've got my share although I've been spared some of the biggies).
For one thing, your perspective on things is much different from that of a younger person. Young people may talk about doing something "some day." "Sure, I'd like to visit Paris some day." By the time you get to my age, you have probably awakened to the fact that you've got to stop saying "some day," because you no longer have all the time in the world ahead of you. You realize that if you put something off, you may well never get to do it. You may pass away before you do; or at some point your health no longer permits you to do it.
And, of course, it may start to be difficult to remain "hip." (Does anyone still use that word?) Slang is largely the property of the young, and it changes rapidly; so for us old folks, if we try to be hip and with it, it's likely to be a laughable attempt: our hip and with-it slang may be 20 or 30 years out of date! On the other hand, I may deliberately use words I know are pretty old-fashioned, that no one has heard for years. I know lots of words (and names) derived from a culture or a world that's bygone and thus unknown to younger folks.
There are some good sides to being old and/or retired. It's true that at some point in our lives we become more comfortable with ourselves, with living in our own skins. We gain a certain self-acceptance.
And of course there's the freedom of being retired. I say that, aside from paying my taxes and my bills—and feeding myself—there are damned few things I have to do. I can spend my days as I like, planned or unplanned. I can get up when I want, go to bed when I want, eat when I want (the latter a pleasant change from some work environments I unfortunately had to accommodate myself to, where overly-controlling bosses dictated meal times, break times, etc.). Today, for example, I came home from shopping and looked at the clock. It was 11:36. Now, a tough decision: Do I have "elevenses," or an early lunch? I chose the latter. Dug into the rewards of my shopping trip.
Copyright © 2009 by Richard Stein
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