A Couple of My Newest Jokes

What do you call someone who doesn't litter? Illiterate.

Did you hear about the poor skunk? He hasn't got a scent.

My recommendation for a low-calorie food: Swiss cheese holes. Guaranteed to have no more than zero calories. And--I'm willing to sell you some real cheap.

Copyright (c) 2025.

Bit of Nonsensical (i.e. Fictional) Natural History

The Tennessee water cricket is not found in Tennessee but rather in a few spots along the Calabash River in Sardinia, N.S.W.

The correct name of the horse is hortsh, and they are all named Horace--at least in Lower Slobovia.

The fitchin is a fish--at least in Japan, where everything is a fish, except rice and a few vegetables that grow around Shinto shrines.

Sorry, folks, just being silly. I have always believed the world needs more silliness.

Some Thoughts (Humorous) on American Sports: Team Names, etc.

I was thinking about the names of sports teams. You know, they usually are connected in some way to the city where the team is resident, e.g., Detroit Pistons (referring to the auto industry, with its cars which have--or at least always had--piston engines), the Houston Oilers (there is a lot of oil around Houston). Here are a few new ones that I'm suggesting.

Flushing (Queens, NY) Toilets

Barking (Surrey, U.K.) Dogs

Alaska Glaciers

Maine Lobsters 

Los Vegas Roulette Wheels 

Charleston Chews 

Boston Baked Beans

Seattle Airliners

Wisconsin Dairymen (There is a Wisconsin team known as the Green Bay Packers. I have no idea--and my excuse is that I am not a native of this part of the world--whether there is or ever was any packing going on in Green Bay.)

Some other thoughts related to sports:

I like to say--jokingly, of course--that (Chicago) Cubs grow up to be (Chicago) Bears.

If the (Chicago) White Sox got mixed up in the laundry with the (Boston) Red Sox, you'd get the Pink Sox.

Polo is played on horseback, right? Then I guess sea horses are used for water polo.

There was a basketball player called Meadowlark Lemon. There is a baseball player named Darryl Strawberry. So--although they were on different teams and even different sports--we've had a strawberry and a lemon. Makes me wonder what other fruits[*] there might be…….

___________

* I strongly want it understood that the use of the word "fruit," though acknowledged as a slang term for a gay person, is in no way meant here to imply any derogatory comment on LGBTQ people.

Copyright (c) 2023

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[*]

It's a Queer World--or at Least English Is Queer

Eggs don't grow on an egg plant.

Shoes don't grow on a shoe tree.

Flowers don't sleep in a flower bed.

Taste buds never open up to be taste blossoms.

Roosters crow but crows don't rooster. I think the crows should organize to protest.

If you want to raise questions--say in academe or public affairs-- you need to have a question farm.

Trees have a bark but it must be a very quiet one because I've never heard it.

It can rain cats and dogs but you never see those animals pooling in the gutter. (The weather man predicted cats-and-dogs rain and said it would be "soggy." Maybe he should  have said "doggy.")

Fish occur in schools but I don't think they learn very much there--at least not how to avoid being caught.

To clock someone is pretty different from watching them.

A horsetail is not a grown-up version of a  ponytail. It's a plant.

"Peace of mind" and "a piece of my mind" are pretty different but sound pretty similar and might confuse someone learning English.

Copyright (c) 2021.

Some (I Hope) Funny Stuff--pretty miscellaneous

 What is a hill billy? A male mountain goat (think about it).

I can't run a marathon, I can't run a mile, but I can run a bath. And I can run a stop sign (but I really don't ever).

A friend of mine is someone who always has to be up on the newest and latest. Instead of catching COVID-19 he caught COVID-20.

I would not want to send Donald Trump to a lighthouse, let alone the White House.

To eat low-calorie food I recommend Swiss cheese holes. I promise you, they are very low-calorie. In fact they are the keystone of my new diet, which I call hole-istic.

One hears about so many dishes or recipes "made from scratch." I have tried multiple times to find "scratch" in the store, but they never have it.

 

 

I Was Wondering. . .

Do water polo players ride on sea horses?

Do players on the Chicago Cubs (baseball team) grow up to be Chicago Bears (football team)?

Do the podiatrists hold a big annual dance called the Foot Ball?

If there is a New Brunswick, New Jersey, is there also a New Jersey, New Brunswick?

If there is Chicken of the Sea tuna, is there Tuna of the Land chicken?

Okay, these are just musings of mine. Here is another "funny" (at least I hope it's funny) that I have come up with:

It was during the Spanish Inquisition. The Inquisitor has some poor heretic stretched out on the rack and is inflicting sadistic and merciless pain upon him. Naturally, the poor fellow cries out loudly in pain. The Inquisitor says, "My poor fellow, don't you know that they say that pain is all in your head? In other words, 'The pain in Spain lies mainly in the brain.'"

Okay, now here are some--not fancies of mine, as above, but real, actual facts and oddities:

In Chicago, recently a stretch of a road known as Congress Parkway was renamed to honor an African-American woman named Ida B. Wells. However, the Chicago City Council, in its infinite wisdom, was not particularly  bothered by the fact that we already had a Wells Street. In fact, the Wells Street which has existed for quite some time actually intersects the new Wells Street (or Road or Parkway, whichever it is). So you could say to someone, "Meet me at the corner of Wells and Wells"!

Similarly, you could say, "Meet me at the corner of Wacker and Wacker." This is possible because Wacker Drive in Chicago makes a right-angle bend, going from running east-west to running north-south. In fact, Chicago's Wacker Drive supposedly is the only street in the world with street numbers running north, south, east, and west.

Also--a slightly different phenomenon--you would not want to say to someone, "Meet me at the corner of Broadway and Sheridan Road," because--would you believe?--Broadway and Sheridan Road in Chicago intersect three times! How is this possible? Well, Broadway runs on a diagonal, and Sheridan runs in sort of a step-wise fashion, running north-south, then turning east-west, and running north-south again. I think there are several such steps, so Broadway actually cuts across Sheridan three times.

Getting back to Wacker Drive and its peculiarities: Wacker is a decked-over street or road--one of several in Chicago near the lake (Lake Michigan) and the river (Chicago River). That is, it runs at ground level, but there is an upper level that runs above it. (The two are known as Lower Wacker Drive and Upper Wacker Drive, fairly logically. There is also--maybe confusingly--Upper South Water Street, Lower South Water Street, Upper North Water Street, and Lower North Water Street. So, as you can see, it's important to not just say "Water Street" but to remember to add two qualifying adjectives. Some of these are relatively new and I find it confusing sometimes to know the ins and outs--or ons and offs.)

Copyright © 2019.

A Scholarly Disquisition on "Three Blind Mice"

Three blind mice, three blind mice,/See how they run, see how they run, /They all ran after the farmer's wife,/ She cut off their tales with a carving knife, /Did you ever see such a sight in your life/ As three blind mice?

 --Nursery rhyme/song

This text provokes an astonishing number of questions.

First, how common is blindness among common field mice, genus Mus? Amazingly, rather scant data exists on this important question. And then, since the poem may be ultimately European in origin (as witnessed by a German version, Drei Blinden Mäuse¹), is blindness more common in the common European mouse genus Apodemus? One majorly flawed study of this question suggests that blindness may in fact be approximately 17% more common in the  European mouse.²

Second, why are three blind mice found in association? Is there an advantage to this behavior? Perhaps their pooled sensory capabilities (assuming they can be somehow shared) compensates, to a degree, for their visual deficit.

Next, why are they running? This seems quite inexplicable in an animal that cannot perceive any obstacles that may lie in its path. One would logically expect only slow, tentative exploratory behavior, using smell and/or the feeling capability of their whiskers.

Next, evidently they are chasing the farmer's wife.  Now, even everyday experience tells us that smaller creatures seldom chase larger ones. And a mouse, having an average weight of 118 grams, while an adult human male is presumed to weigh 70 kg (154 lb)³--with, of course, the average adult human female weighing somewhat less--results in a ratio, by weight, of human to mouse of approximately 593.2 to 1.

However, the literature does in fact yield eye-witness accounts of a mouse or mice chasing a human. The earliest of these is by Marco Polo in his Diary.⁴

Now, the matter that, as we are told, a farmer's wife cuts off their tails. What is the function of this caudalectomy? Is it pure animal cruelty? What reasons could the farmer's wife have for preferring that the mice (presumably found about her homestead and/or farm) be tailless?

Next, the reasons for her choice of implement: Why might a carving knife be the instrument of choice for de-tailing a mouse? And, still more puzzling, do the mice stand still for this operation? Would not the squeals of pain of the first mouse to suffer this surgery serve as an effective warning to the other two mice and cause them to get the hell out of there?

Finally, we are asked whether we have ever seen such a sight as three blind mice. However, I do not believe any of the major or recognized polling organizations have ever attempted to gather any data on how many people have in fact seen three blind mice.

1. Gesta Romanorum, III, iv.

2. Podgorny, A., Blindness in European vs. North American Mouse Species, J. A. A., 9. 427.

3. These figures are from JANAF, Some Weights of Common Creatures (New York, UN Fund for Useless Statistics, 1937).

4. Polo, M, Diario, Venice, 1368.

Copyright © 2018.

U. S President Tronald Dump Speaking on the Flooding in Texas

Note: This is fake news. This did not happen. Any resemblance to persons living or dead if purely intentional.

Mr. Dump speaking:

I want to tell the people of Texas, and America, and the world: we will fix Texas. We will fix Texas. We are going to make Texas better than it ever was before. We have a plan. We have a great plan, a greater plan than there's ever been before. And we will fix Texas.

I can't release all the details of this plan, but we have a weapon. We are going to soak up all that water. We are going to make all that flood water go away, so fast you wouldn't believe.

We are going to bring in a sponge. A really, really big sponge.  A sponge like nobody's ever seen before. And we are going to soak up all that water. And then we will dump that water. We are going to dump that water, maybe on some country we don't like. Maybe on North Korea, or on Iran.

Meanwhile, I've got people looking for the drain. And we are going to open that drain, and let all the water drain out. Drain away. We've got divers, right now, looking for that drain, that will let all that water drain away. And with God's help, we are going to find that drain. We are going to drain all that water away. We are going to drain Texas to where It’s drier than it's ever been before. Believe me. We are going to fix Texas. And we're working on it right now. And we've got really, really great ideas on how to fix Texas. And we are going to fix Texas, I can tell you.

Copyright (c) 2017.

One Little Observation, and a Joke

The coming (next Monday) total solar eclipse which is to be visible in the US has gotten so much publicity and hype in the news that I suspect that the Sun must have some of the best press agents in the world.

What's the best month for joining the military? Answer: March.

Copyright (c) 2017

How to Shoot Your (Ex-) Boss

There have been numerous incidents in the news of disgruntled employees shooting their bosses, particularly employees who have been fired, going back to the workplace and shooting the person who had fired them.

I've had a number of bosses who were truly evil; and I've been fired more times than I care to admit. But I can't say that it occurred to me to go and shoot them, or even that I think that doing such a thing is reasonable. But yeah, I get it.

So, much as I abhor guns, I was thinking about how you'd want to do it.

It's easiest to sneak in a small gun. Mind you, I know almost nothing about guns, but I have absorbed the fact that a small gun may well just wound, rather than kill. So it might take more than one shot.

However, after the first shot, people who heard a gunshot will come running. Maybe that's why so many of these boss-shooters, when they're caught in flagrante delicto, as it were, turn the gun on themselves.

Well, I think this is how you want to do it: First, shoot the boss once. Then—assuming you had been planning to off yourself as well, rather than face all that nasty business of a trial and probable imprisonment—shoot yourself. Then, if you are still alive and able to manage it, fire one or two more shots into your boss. Sic semper tyrannis!

Copyright © 2014

Politically Correct Songs for Christmas

On this Christmas Day, I was reflecting that many of our traditional Christmas songs are not politically correct and therefore need a bit of revision. So, here are a few of my suggested changes:

• The Little Drummer Child
• Frosty the Snowperson
• We Three Monarchs of Orient (Are)
•  (I'm Dreaming of an) Integrated Christmas

Copyright (c) 2013

Humor

They say money talks. I hear mine talking to me, saying Bye-bye!

*******

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And VenEars are your own natural ears! You wear them swimming, during sports, even when you're sleeping!

Find out what VenEars can do for you to make you beautiful and self-confident as never before! And, they're affordable on most budgets. Visit your licensed, certified VenEars provider today to see how VenEars can change your life.

Copyright © 2013.

A Few (Silly) Thoughts

I saw a witch. Yes, a real honest-to-goodness witch and not one of those wannabe witches who call themselves wiccans.

Well, I said to her, "Aroint thee, witch," which, as anyone who knows their Shakespeare knows, is what you say to a witch.

Well, she said, "I don't know how to aroint. I flunked Arointing 101 in witch college."

So I asked her, "You went to witch college? Where was that?"

And, naturally, she said "Witchita."

********
A Little Dialog

A: I let my tomatoes sit and ripen after I buy them.

B: Makes sense. How long do you let them ripen?

A: About a week. I fatten up my bagels before I use them, too.

B: You do? How do you fatten up bagels?

A: Well, naturally you have to feed them.

B: What do you feed bagels to fatten them up?

A: Just cold air. You see, I let them sit in the refrigerator and then the cold air fattens them up.

B: They feed on cold air?

A: Yes. Well, you have to let the cold air get to them, but it just needs to get down into the hole in the middle.

B: So they feed through the hole in the center?

A: Yeah, you know, they're like an octopus or a starfish or something that has its mouth in the center.

B: Who knew?

Copyright (c) 2012 by Richard Stein

Some Random Thoughts for the Day

The news included an item about a group of ministers who assembled at the site of a murder, a Church's Fried Chicken restaurant. Presumably it was to pray there, but I can imagine their using the slogan, "From church to Church's."

I was thinking back on my childhood and the parenting style of my mother. There needs to be a word smotherhood.

A friend of mine forwarded to me a video: you may have seen it because it's gone viral. It shows the Japanese tsunami of a year ago, sweeping over the land, carrying with it hundreds of cars along with other stuff. I thought it needed a caption, something like, "Lord, I know I mentioned to You that I needed to get the car washed, but. . . . "

A Little Humor (I hope)

I went down to the canal with my bagel because I heard there was lox there.

I hear that McDonald's is opening another chain of restaurants. These new places are intended to compete with Hooter's, and they're going to be called McBoobs.

I was in a Greek-owned food store today and I saw that they had baby goat in the meat counter. I said, You've got to be kidding.

My grandmother always used to say that her biscuits were made from scratch. So I went to the store and I looked for scratch, but they didn't have any.

Copyright (c) 2011 by Richard Stein

Is It True, or Just a Joke?

Unless you've been living in a cave or on top of the Himalayas, you know that "erectile dysfunction" has become a household word. This is because of the development--and incessant promotion--of drugs to treat this condition.

No word on what effect that has had on the birth rate.

Anyway, I ordered one of those drugs, Cialis, over the Internet. What I got was a huge poster of a naked woman. It said "This is Alice." The idea was, you see Alice, you get an erection.

That was just a joke, folks.

On another subject: I'm turning into some kind of monster, hybrid bird. I've got crow's feet and turkey neck.

That one may be funny, but it's not a joke.

My car isn't a V-8 or V-6. It's a VD. That's "very decrepit."

Copyright (c) 2010 by Richard Stein

Spoonerisms

Spoonerisms are a type of slip of the tongue where you switch sounds between two words. The error gets its name from a British man, a Canon Spooner, who would say things like "Pardon me, but you are occu-pewing my pie."

It's fun to spoonerize names. I recently read a book by Steven Pinker. If you spoonerize his name, it's Peeven Stinker (I should add that I actually admire Pinker, so this is not to disparage him at all). I used to know a male couple called Mark and Dennis. I called them Dark and Menace (not to their faces). We have a TV news anchor named Cathy Brock. Do you know what you get when you spoonerize her name? (Don't tell her I said that!)

It's fun to spoonerize other words when the spoonerism is a new word pair. For example, tile grout becomes trial gout. Pool cue becomes cool pew. Cold and flu season becomes fold and clue season. You know the vehicle called the Land Rover? If you spoonerize that name, you get a term for an avaricious South African: rand lover.

Copyright © 2010 by Richard Stein

A Few Bons Mots

Some of these need the scene set.

One time I was having lunch with a colleague from work. When we got our food, she asked, "How is that miso soup?" I said, "It's really not that good. I'd call it mi-so-so."

At another job, I arrived at a departmental lunch. I'd made a stop on the way, at a sale of kitchen gadgets. So I mentioned that I'd just bought a tomato corer. JoAnne asked, "Is it a hard corer or a soft corer?" I replied, "Well, it starts out soft, but if you fondle it. . . ," whereupon I got a poke in the ribs.

Unfortunately, I don't always think that fast.

And, for those of you who know a wee bit of Yiddish: When Star Trek was in first run, I told my sister that when the show was shown in Israel, they called it Star Schlep.

Copyright © 2010 by Richard Stein

How to Live to Age 107

Today we interview George Crumbum, who, at 107, claims to be the oldest man in the developed world.

Old Leftist Curmudgeon: Mr. Crumbum, to what do you attribute your long life?

George Crumbum: Eating pepper.

OLC: Eating pepper?

GC: Yeah. I swallow two tablespoons of ground pepper every day. Sometimes I just chew on whole peppercorns. They're crunchy, and it's a bit of variety.

OLC: And you just swallow the pepper? Isn't that a bit difficult?

GC: Nah. I wash it down with beer.

OLC: Beer?

GC: Yeah, but not just any beer. It's gotta be lite beer. None of that yuppie microbrew crap, or dark beer, or anything like that.

OLC: So you like lite beer.

GC: Yeah. If your beer don't taste like piss, it don't do you no good. Trust me. My age is proof of that.

OLC: Any other tips for readers who'd like to live as long as you, Mr. Crumbum?

GC: Yeah, get plenty of sex. And cuss out your children or your neighbors or anyone else who's handy. Ya gotta do some cussin' every day.

OLC: Well, I'm sure that letting it out is good advice. But do you really have a lot of sex at your age, Mr. Crumbum?

GC: Well, I think I do. I admit, it's been getting hard to tell what I been dreamin' from what's actually happened.

OLC: Mr. Crumbum, thank you for a most interesting interview. And may you live for another 107 years.

GC: [Evil chuckle]

Copyright © 2010 by Richard Stein

But Surely You Jest. . . .

They just said on TV, 70 is the new 80. But that was the weather report.

Gary Coleman's wife is now under suspicion for having had a role in his death. My theory: She stepped on him.

That old broad of a news lady, Helen Thomas, is definitely entitled to have an opinion on Palestine. She was there in Biblical times.

Copyright (c) 2010 by Richard Stein