How to Live to Age 107

Today we interview George Crumbum, who, at 107, claims to be the oldest man in the developed world.

Old Leftist Curmudgeon: Mr. Crumbum, to what do you attribute your long life?

George Crumbum: Eating pepper.

OLC: Eating pepper?

GC: Yeah. I swallow two tablespoons of ground pepper every day. Sometimes I just chew on whole peppercorns. They're crunchy, and it's a bit of variety.

OLC: And you just swallow the pepper? Isn't that a bit difficult?

GC: Nah. I wash it down with beer.

OLC: Beer?

GC: Yeah, but not just any beer. It's gotta be lite beer. None of that yuppie microbrew crap, or dark beer, or anything like that.

OLC: So you like lite beer.

GC: Yeah. If your beer don't taste like piss, it don't do you no good. Trust me. My age is proof of that.

OLC: Any other tips for readers who'd like to live as long as you, Mr. Crumbum?

GC: Yeah, get plenty of sex. And cuss out your children or your neighbors or anyone else who's handy. Ya gotta do some cussin' every day.

OLC: Well, I'm sure that letting it out is good advice. But do you really have a lot of sex at your age, Mr. Crumbum?

GC: Well, I think I do. I admit, it's been getting hard to tell what I been dreamin' from what's actually happened.

OLC: Mr. Crumbum, thank you for a most interesting interview. And may you live for another 107 years.

GC: [Evil chuckle]

Copyright © 2010 by Richard Stein