Well, I had some thoughts I shared with a friend, and I think I ought to make this more widely available. So, here goes:
As practically anyone knows, a lot of gay men are closeted. (It's very surprising, and incomprehensible to me, that even among older gay men--men my age--there is a percentage who are closeted. I have to wonder who they are hiding their sexuality from; maybe their children.)
Also, among gay men my age, a lot of them are or have been married. I've heard some say that when they were young they were pressured by family to marry and maybe have children as well (as an aside: for a humorous look at that sort of scenario, check out a delightful Mexican film called Doña Herlinda y su Hijo--Doña Herlinda and her son).
And many gay men get married, and perhaps have children, for the advantages--career and otherwise--of "passing." Around here there are a lot of guys who are married and yet are trolling the internet for a connection with a guy. That often makes me angry because I think they are trying to have the advantages of both; seems unfair to me.
Plus, many years ago--probably when I was just coming out and felt a need to find out, Just what is this gay thing, anyway?--I read a book called Society and the Healthy Homosexual, where he talks about the psychological toll of hiding one's sexuality. I tend to be a bit preachy on that subject as a result.
And then there are the men who are even more than just closeted: they even deny their sexual orientation to themselves. Maybe "repressed" would be a better term than closeted. The boyfriend of someone related to me, in my view, is one of those. When my relative first told me about this guy who'd entered her life, describing him, I said, "It sounds to me like he's gay." She said, quite defensively, "He's not gay, I can assure you!" Okay, end of subject. But there are doubtless many guys like this one. If they do ever wake up to their gay leanings, and it comes at a pretty late point in their lives, it can be devastating. Those to whom it happens at an earlier age are more fortunate--totally aside from the fact that guys who come out at a relatively mature age feel that they've "missed" a lot. The reader must surmise what that means.
Update, October 3, 2011
Here is a link to an article on coming out at a late age:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/03/15/national/main6299584.shtml
Copyright (c) 2011 by Richard Stein
Also, among gay men my age, a lot of them are or have been married. I've heard some say that when they were young they were pressured by family to marry and maybe have children as well (as an aside: for a humorous look at that sort of scenario, check out a delightful Mexican film called Doña Herlinda y su Hijo--Doña Herlinda and her son).
And many gay men get married, and perhaps have children, for the advantages--career and otherwise--of "passing." Around here there are a lot of guys who are married and yet are trolling the internet for a connection with a guy. That often makes me angry because I think they are trying to have the advantages of both; seems unfair to me.
Plus, many years ago--probably when I was just coming out and felt a need to find out, Just what is this gay thing, anyway?--I read a book called Society and the Healthy Homosexual, where he talks about the psychological toll of hiding one's sexuality. I tend to be a bit preachy on that subject as a result.
And then there are the men who are even more than just closeted: they even deny their sexual orientation to themselves. Maybe "repressed" would be a better term than closeted. The boyfriend of someone related to me, in my view, is one of those. When my relative first told me about this guy who'd entered her life, describing him, I said, "It sounds to me like he's gay." She said, quite defensively, "He's not gay, I can assure you!" Okay, end of subject. But there are doubtless many guys like this one. If they do ever wake up to their gay leanings, and it comes at a pretty late point in their lives, it can be devastating. Those to whom it happens at an earlier age are more fortunate--totally aside from the fact that guys who come out at a relatively mature age feel that they've "missed" a lot. The reader must surmise what that means.
Update, October 3, 2011
Here is a link to an article on coming out at a late age:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/03/15/national/main6299584.shtml
Copyright (c) 2011 by Richard Stein
What can help a guy become un-repressed and start to acknowledge his feelings to himself? I might be married to a repressed gay man. It's confusing, because we have a sex life, but he doesn't seem to notice other women, and doesn't exude the same sexual energy towards me I sometimes pick up from other guys. I would be fine if he would come out --I think we'd both be happier. But I know it's something he has to do on his own.
ReplyDeleteWell, I never envisioned writing a blog which is an advice column, and I don't feel too confident or competent to do so; but I want to be courteous enough to make some response to that comment. (And hope that maybe other readers might have more to say.)
ReplyDeleteIf your husband truly is a man with gay leanings that he has repressed, I don't see what you can do to help him. You may have to just wait and let him arrive at his own self-recognition.
I might wish I knew how old he is. For that kind of coming out to happen to someone older, it can be devastating. If he's young, that's a very different situation and probably his adjustment will be a lot easier.
In any event, it might be helpful to him to know that you'll support him no matter what; but again, I don't think there's any good way for you to broach the subject. Sort of a Catch-22, I guess.